Tuesday, April 3, 2012

maybe i'm jaded

maybe this is very jaded and pessimistic to say, but, i just do not understand why/how girls can be SO scared and afraid that their husband/fiance/longterm boyfriend is going to leave for someone else. if my husband thought he'd be happier with someone else and started talking to someone else and i suspected something was going on, i would say, you know what, go ahead. people change. people's needs and wants change. my college bf, i was so so sooooo worried that when he moved he'd meet someone else. and you know what? things definitely changed. someone told me before that, that if you're really super afraid of losing someone, you've probably already lost them. now, i believe it.

but if someone really loves you, they're not going to cheat, they're not going to leave. but, people change. when j was deployed, i wasn't really worrying if he'd come back and be different or come back and want to be with someone else. i wasn't worried that he was talking to random girls online. and honestly, maybe i should have been worried, because he was talking to random girls online...after we were engaged. things could have been so much different. we all make mistakes and i'm certainly not perfect. i think you get so deep into things, that you can't really see what's right and wrong, you can't really see how things should actually be (honest), and you have no idea how to fix them or if they can be fixed. and you can't really see how you're actually being treated. so you just go with it (or you lie and lie and lie and dig yourself into such a deep hole that you think you have to keep lying even more. and then one day you look back and you think well...i was young(er) and scared and naive and didn't actually know what i was doing/getting myself into.

i'm not saying i don't believe in commitment/marriage/blah blah blah. i think i do, maybe. i just think it's not the same for everyone. my grandparents have been married more than 60 years. i admire them, but if i'm being honest, i have no idea how they do it. we're not even at 2 years of marriage yet, but we're over 3 years from when we started dating. we don't really celebrate anniversaries...of anything. i have friends who celebrate anniversaries of first dates.

here's the problem i think - i like being independent. sometimes it's so much easier to do things on my own. i like having my own friends and my own things to go to without a spouse tagging along. i don't want to feel like i have to invite him to things because we're married. is that right? i'm not sure, maybe, maybe not. some people want to do EVERYTHING together. i do not. i think people still need to have separate lives and separate friends and separate interests. (they need common friends/interest/lives too, but i don't think a marriage can succeed if you don't have your own support system and your own interests as well.)

and i am so tired. i'm tired of being a caregiver. i'm tired of dealing with doctors and the nightmare the military medical system is. i'm tired of always researching. i'm tired of being the one trying to fight the fight. i'm tired of having to take care of everything. i'm tired of shouldering all of the responsibility. it isn't what i expected at all.

you know before you get married, and random friends/family will say to you, are you sure you want to do this? do you know what you're getting into? and you blow them off. (this is the same for law school - people syd are you SURE you want to do this? are you sure? isn't there anything else you'd like to do instead? and i said no no i want to go to law school, i'm positive, you can't talk me out of it, no way.) you say you're 500% positive this is exactly what you want and there's no way anyone can talk you out of it. well, now i'm the one trying to talk people out of things. are you sureeeeee you want to have hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt to go to law school? are you sureeeee you want to take on all of the responsibility and commitment of a marriage? the truth is, you really could never have any idea what you are getting yourself into. you take a leap, and you hope you land on your feet and you hope things go how you expected, but maybe they won't. maybe it will be better than you expected, but maybe it will be nothing like you expected and you will have no idea what you are doing or what you were thinking.

so yeah, i think i'm jaded. this post is just rambling.

When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat? - Chuck Palahniuk


  1. I 100% agree with this post and 95% dont. Since my Mom died, I have realized that I am completely unwilling to live in an unhappy situation (marriage, friendship, job, whatever). Life is WAY too short to spend any length of time being unhappy. BUT on the other hand, I have a temper and I am stubborn and if I acted on my every emotional whim, I wouldn't be married longer than a few days. Sometimes I think it's worth it. Other times, not so much.

    1. i know, i agree/disagree with my own post! this marriage thing, i just don't know. some days it's like oh this is nice, other days it's like..what..was..i..thinking?! haha.

      i like this Steve Jobs quote, kind of related:
      "Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."